Dear Crabby,
When Texas Republicans brought a live elephant to their convention recently, it urinated on the convention floor following Gov. Abbott’s speech. Critics said the peeing pachyderm was a metaphor for the Republican Party’s platform in Texas. What do you think?
Signed, Jimmy from Junction
Dear Jimmy,
Gee Whizz. It proves again that elephants really are smarter than people. Plus, maybe it’s time for Republicans to change their political symbol to the cuckoo.
Dear Crabby,
What’s with the President? He is having trouble walking. When he speaks, he often sounds confused. He sleeps through cabinet meetings and gets cranky quickly, especially with reporters. He says he is in perfect health, but it doesn’t seem so.
Signed, Nosy Nurse from Newark
Dear Nosy,
You are right. I’m not sure how much longer he will be able to pick a giraffe out of a lineup in a cognitive test. But I say let him sleep all he wants. He’s much less likely to harm the country when he’s napping.
Dear Crabby,
Recently a rich guy named Mayes Middleton won the Republican nomination for Texas Attorney General. But he has never been in a courthouse as a lawyer representing a person or business. Shouldn’t someone be required to have experience trying court cases to be Attorney General?
Signed, Gail from Galveston
Dear Gail,
Middleton is bad but he couldn’t be worse than the current Attorney General, who has spent a good bit of his time in court as a defendant.
Dear Crabby,
Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton says he is especially qualified to be the next Texas Senator because of his experience in government affairs. Does that mean he would be a good match for the U.S. Senate Foreign Affairs Committee?
Signed,
Loretta from Lubbock
Dear Loretta,
I don’t know about foreign affairs, but Paxton certainly has expertise in domestic ones. Ask his ex-wife.
Dear Crabby,
I saw a photo where someone scratched out the large numbers 86-47 on the lawn of the National Mall in Washington. Should someone get in trouble for such a dastardly deed?
Signed, Yannie the yardman
Dear Yannie,
Yes, I’m all for lawn order. Has anyone checked on Melania’s whereabouts lately?
Dear Crabby,
The screwworm fly is back in the U.S. endangering cattle after being kept out for decades before the Trump Administration cut screwworm prevention staff and funding. Republicans are blaming the insects’ return on illegal immigrants smuggling infected cattle into the U.S. I didn’t think cattle could jump over the wall. During the Covid epidemic, Trump said we would not have any Covid cases if we just stopped looking for them. Would that also apply to screwworms? What do you think?
Signed, Manny from Mission
Dear Manny,
Cows can’t jump over the wall, or the moon. I suspect the worms escaped from RFK, Jr’s brain.
