Dear Crabby weighs in…
Dear Crabby,
I saw that the government wants to print a $250 note for the nation’s 250th anniversary and put the current president’s face on it. Isn’t it illegal to put a living president on our money?
Signed, Santa Ana Sally
Dear Sally,
Yes, it would be the first time any country put a mug shot on its money. Personally, I think his face would do well on a roll of Nice N’ Soft toilet paper. I wonder if they have it in orange.
Dear Crabby,
The president says he is in perfect health after his third checkup in a year. His ear miraculously grew back. But on TV I see he’s having considerable trouble walking, talking, and staying awake. And his hands are purple. His doctor says everything is great and the discolorations are bruises from shaking hands. But his left hand is purple too. The doctor also says the president weighs 238 pounds. Do you think the doctor is making stuff up?
Signed, Molly on Medicare
Dear Molly,
I suspect a hostage situation. Has anyone checked on the doctor’s family? Also, the president should have gotten a colonoscopy. No telling how many members of Congress they might have found.
Dear Crabby,
The president said his latest medical tests showed he was in perfect health. But there was no mention of bone spurs on his feet. Could bone spurs be why he is having trouble walking down the steps from Air Force One?
Signed, Harry from Harrisburg
Dear Harry,
I’m no doctor, but I’m guessing the bone spurs magically disappeared the day the Vietnam War ended.
Dear Crabby,
The president is angry that most of the performers backed out of his Freedom 250 celebration because they said they weren’t informed it was political. He called the performers third-rate and said he would take over the entertainment himself. Does this mean he is going to sing?
Signed, Norbert from Nashville
Dear Norbert,
If he sings, I suggest he start with Chuck Brodsky’s “Liar Liar Pants on Fire.” And finish with the Village People’s “YMCA,” which would be the perfect end to Pride Month. Bless his heart.
