Our friend Bill McCann has discovered a new outlet for his considerable writing skills. Meet Dear Crabby, an advice columnist for our world. Here’s the first column.
Dear Crabby: I think my husband is losing it. He either plays golf, posts weird things half the night on the internet, or invades countries. He keeps falling asleep in meetings, but his staff said he is just blinking. He has been wearing a gold crown to bed. It’s very sharp. Sometimes he dresses like Jesus. Yesterday he frightened several kids who came to the house to discuss health and fitness with him. He scared them with talk of nuclear bombs and a woman getting shot in the head. He often calls reporters nasty names when they ask questions he doesn’t want to answer. He is even mean to the Pope. What should I do?
Signed Melanie
Dear Melanie: Your husband sounds like a wacko. Throw his phone away, hide that crown, and don’t let him near any kids. I mean it. Move to another country, maybe Slovenia. And take him for every dollar he has, including those with his face on them.
Dear Crabby: My boyfriend runs a federal investigations office. I’m concerned because I don’t think he’s qualified and might accidentally hurt someone if they let him carry a gun. Also, there are rumors that he is drinking. When we go to nightclubs, everyone knows him by his first name. I caught him making homemade booze in the garage. His name is on the labels. He also picked me up for a date in a government aircraft. I’m not sure that’s allowed. Should I rat him out or stay quiet and hope he changes?
Signed Lexus
Dear Lexus: Your boyfriend sounds like a wacko. Rat him out now. Confiscate the booze. And don’t let him around kids – or anybody, for that matter.
Dear Crabby: My husband has an important defense job. He likes firing generals and admirals, threatening countries that he doesn’t like, and pretending he knows what he’s doing. I think he’s in over his head. Plus, he’s afraid of getting fired because his boss fires people a lot. He phones friends to ask them what to do next. I’m worried that bad guys might overhear him and endanger our military. Should I warn his boss, who doesn’t seem to know what he is doing either?
Signed Janice
Dear Janice: They both sound like wackos. Get the heck out of there. Fast. If you were smart, you would leave the country.
Dear Crabby: My husband has an important federal job protecting our health. But he is acting strangely. Last week I caught a cold. He said it might be Covid and demanded I take medicine called ivermectin. I reminded him that it is for horses. He got mad and threw out all the Tylenol pills in the house. Yesterday he stopped on the highway and picked up a dead raccoon. He wouldn’t say what he is going to do with it. I’m worried about him – plus the raccoon is stinking up the freezer. What should I do?
Signed Cherry
Dear Cherry: This guy sounds like a wacko. Keep him away from animals and people. Bury the raccoon where he can’t find it. Bury the ivermectin too, unless you have a sick horse.
