Dear Office of Personnel Management, Part 4
Hello, it’s retiree Bill McCann, here again to discuss things I learned last week. Since I haven’t heard from you, I decided this will be my last submission. Instead, I plan to send future thoughts directly to the White House. I hope the president doesn’t get mad and deport me or mess with my Social Security that I paid into for 50 years.
1) I watched Trump on TV last week doing an infomercial for Tesla electric cars at the White House. I thought he hated electric cars. Not long ago he complained that electric cars are expensive and have limited range. Also, Trump has been a big critic of China’s trade policies. Most Teslas are made in China. I asked my apartment manager and political guru, Hillary, if Trump was being a hypocrite over Tesla. She said the word hypocrite, and words like please and thanks, are not in his vocabulary. Hillary thinks Trump faked buying a Tesla to help his pal Elon Musk because Tesla’s sales and stock have plummeted faster than some of Musk’s space rockets. She said it was the least Trump could do for Musk for donating about $288 million to help get Trump elected in 2024.
2) Trump’s trade war with much of the planet dominated the news last week. I thought Trump wanted nothing to do with war – because of those nasty bone spurs. Hillary calls Trump’s tariffs “yo-yo economics.” I asked her if “yo-yo” was because the stock market has been fluctuating, mostly down, due to Trump’s tariffs and firing of government workers. She answered: “It’s because Trump is a yo-yo! He’s so inept he doesn’t seem to know his tariffs are a tax on us.” She’s convinced he failed Econ 101 at the Wharton School.
3) Trump keeps talking about the U.S. taking over Canada and Greenland. And Panama. It sounds like he’s trying to imitate Putin. Canadians, whose military fought alongside U.S. military personnel in Iraq and Afghanistan, are especially angry with Trump. Hillary said Trump either (a) wants Canada’s water; (b) wants its natural resources; or (c) he’s batcrap crazy. She’s going with all the above.
4) Trump and the former world-wrestling woman he hired to run the Department of Education were body-slamming the department last week, firing half the staff in preparation to abolish it. Trump once said: “I love the poorly educated.” It looks like he really meant it. Critics warned that dismantling the department could have a terrible impact on public education, including disabled kids and those in rural areas and from low-income families. Some fear it will lower the national average IQ, which now is about 98. Hillary swears that Florida’s average IQ drops 10 points every time Trump and his entourage go to Mar-A-Lago.
I only have four topics today, rather than the usual five. Hillary warned me that reading too much Trump news could harm my health – and listening to his speeches will lower my IQ. I really can’t afford that.
