Dear Office of Personnel Management, Part 3,
Hello, it’s me again, retiree Bill McCann. Again, here are the five things I did this past week as my contribution to my government. Again, I spent most of my time reading some really weird news.
1) Before the election, Mr. Trump promised to reduce egg prices on Day One of his presidency. But last week he told us to stop nagging him about eggs and raise our own chickens. I live in an apartment. My apartment manager, Hillary, told me that if I brought any bird bigger than a parakeet into the apartment, she would kick my ass out. I told her our president told us to do it. Hillary said anyone dumb enough to believe a guy who lied to us 30,573 times his first term was an idiot.
2) The president complained last week that we were spending millions to study transgender mice. I asked Hillary whether any of the mice that we had seen near our complex – after developers ripped up the nearby woods – were transgender. If so, we could catch and sell them to the government to buy eggs. Hillary called me an idiot again for listening to him. She explained that the mice being studied are “transgenic” – genetically altered in a lab for researchers to study diseases like cancer. She also told me to stop watching the news.
3) Speaking of diseases, I read about a measles outbreak in Texas and New Mexico. Two people have died so far and many others are quite sick. Researchers developed vaccines years ago to prevent measles outbreaks. It almost disappeared, but some people stopped taking vaccines. Hillary said a bunch of quacks have convinced some folks that vaccines are dangerous. She said one quack now heads our federal health programs and has suggested that people worried about measles take cod liver oil. I said my mom used to give us kids cod liver oil when we were constipated. Don’t you think that’s an odd way to flush out measles?
4) I watched on TV the president call the U.S.-Mexico-Canada Agreement a bad trade deal for our citizens. He asked who would sign such a deal. Reporters later pointed out that Trump signed it during his first term. Does Fox News know that? Trump apparently doesn’t. I thought he was the world’s greatest deal maker. But Hillary told me Trump’s various companies had six bankruptcies. Is that why he turned the country over to Mr. Musk?
5) Alas, I read that Musk’s company, once called Twitter, lost nearly 80 percent of its value after Musk bought it. And his Space X rockets have been blowing up over the Atlantic, causing airline delays. Also, sales of Musk’s Tesla vehicles have tanked, especially in Europe, where people are calling Teslas “Swasticars,” following that Nazi-like salute Musk made recently. Or his penchant for far right-wing leaders. I saw a protest sign saying that Teslas can accelerate from “zero to 1939” in three seconds. Another said Teslas can only make right turns. Speaking of tanks, have you seen Tesla’s ugly Cybertruck? Hillary says Musk is an idiot. I think she is smarter than everyone the president has appointed to top jobs, including Musk. Can you find Hillary a job? Maybe her replacement at my apartment will let us have chickens.
Thanks again to our own Bill McCann. Keep ’em coming, Bill.
