Courtesy of Bastrop Advertiser
Dec. 16, 2021
By Bill McCann
Christmas shopping is not one of my strengths. But I do have some unique gift ideas for political figures who deserve being on Santa’s naughty list this Christmas. Here are my gift suggestions:
● To Donald Trump, a large magnifying glass to help search for those missing “fraudulent” votes that cost him the election.
● To Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, a one-way ticket to Mexico for the next Texas deep freeze. Cruz fled to Cancun, Mexico, last February while Texans suffered through a deadly winter freeze that nearly took down the state’s poorly prepared electric grid. Unfortunately for Texas, Cruz returned home.
● To Texas Gov. Greg Abbott, a lighter for burning books to keep warm if the half-hearted measures the Texas Legislature took to prevent a future electric grid crisis don’t work.
● To Fox News host Tucker Carlson, a hot air balloon for falsely blaming the Texas grid’s near-collapse on wind power. Studies showed the major reason for the grid’s failure was frozen natural gas-fueled plants and frozen gas supply equipment that weren’t weatherized.
● To Fox Business Network host Larry Kudlow, a fried tofu dinner for falsely stating that President Joe Biden’s climate-protection plan means Americans must stop eating meat.
● To Fox News, a fireproof Christmas tree to replace the 50-foot artificial tree that burned last week at Fox headquarters. Fox hosts went apoplectic for days, blaming everything from rampant crime to an attack on Christianity. Police called the alleged arsonist a mentally ill homeless man. Or maybe it was antifa dressed as squirrels.
● To the U.S. Supreme Court, a half-dozen MAGA hats.
● To former Trump personal attorney Rudy Giuliani, a cooked goose. Giuliani, who has already lost his law license in New York and Washington, D.C., faces a long list of legal problems including a federal investigation into his foreign lobbying.
● To sometimes-Democrat U.S. Sen. Joe Manchin of West Virginia, and a Senate swing vote, a stuffed toy elephant and donkey so he can keep playing games with both of them.
● To Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick, a white sheet with eye holes and a pointy hat for falsely stating this summer that unvaccinated African Americans were responsible for a surge of COVID-19 cases in most states.
● To those Texas legislators who voted for a critical race theory law that regulates the teaching of race issues in Texas public schools, a Confederate flag that they can fly to demonstrate their continued 19th century thinking.
● To former Trump adviser Steve Bannon, an extra-large orange jumpsuit. Bannon was indicted recently for contempt of Congress for refusing to respond to a subpoena from a House committee investigating the Jan. 6 U.S. Capitol insurrection.
● To U.S. Rep. Andrew Clyde, R-Ga., who said the U.S. Capitol riot looked like a “normal tourist visit,” a new pair of glasses to replace his rose-colored ones. Clyde’s “tourists” injured at least 140 police officers and caused millions of dollars in damage.
● To Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, a tube of ivermectin in case he gets COVID-19 – or worms. DeSantis led the charge against mask and vaccine mandates in Florida this summer as COVID-19 cases surged, while news media reported he consulted with an anti-mask, anti-vaccine psychiatrist who promoted the use of ivermectin, a livestock de-wormer. Federal health experts warn against using it to treat COVID-19.
● To U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Ga., a fruitcake with extra nuts for speculating in a 2018 Facebook post that space lasers connected to wealthy Jewish financiers may have caused a California wildfire. The post drew national attention when it resurfaced early this year. Greene has backed various baseless conspiracy theories, according to news media reports.
Happy shopping and Happy Holidays, everyone.
McCann is a contributing columnist for the Advertiser. He is a retired journalist and may be reached at [email protected].
