Courtesy of Bastrop Advertiser
Aug. 28, 2020
By Bill McCann
A 1997 movie called “Liar Liar” ran on one of the cable TV stations recently. I immediately thought about President Donald Trump, who the Washington Post says has made more than 20,000 false or misleading claims since taking office.
The movie is about a lying lawyer played by Jim Carrey, who is unable to lie after his son makes a birthday wish. The cute plot prompted me to fantasize what could happen if misfiring synapses in Trump’s brain forced him to begin telling the truth. Letting my imagination run, here’s my idea of a subsequent news interview:
REPORTER: Mr. President, a new report from the Senate Intelligence Committee, headed by Republicans, confirms that your 2016 campaign had extensive dealings with Russians to help your candidacy. Is that true?
TRUMP: Sure, I got help from the Russians. They still help. I like Russia. In fact, my friend Vlad Putin offered to let me live in Russia if I lose the election. But not Junior or Eric, especially after they blabbed about us getting business loans from Russians.
REPORTER: Why move to Russia?
TRUMP: I may have gotten a little sideways with the law in New York.
REPORTER: You mean when you paid hush money to two women who said they had sex with you?
TRUMP: That and taxes. My lawyers won’t let me discuss it.
REPORTER: The courts have ruled repeatedly that you must hand over your business records to investigators. You promised years ago to make your tax returns public. Are you hiding something?
TRUMP: I’m hiding a lot of things. Did you know that Al Capone didn’t get convicted of the really bad stuff he did? He went to prison for tax evasion. My lawyers keep reminding me about that. They say I don’t look good in orange.
REPORTER: Your campaign donor Louis DeJoy, the new postmaster general, took steps to hinder post office operations. Some people say it’s because you fear that too many people voting by mail might hurt your reelection chances.
TRUMP: I am worried about reelection. But the mail slowdown caused me a bigger problem personally. I stopped getting my little blue pills in the mail. So, I told DeJoy to speed up the mail again – at least mine.
REPORTER: You and Attorney General William Barr blamed “antifa” infiltrators this summer for protests about police brutality against Blacks. But we didn’t find much evidence of anti-fascist infiltrators at the protests.
TRUMP: We had to blame somebody. Barr told me antifa are fascists who cause riots. Now you say antifa are anti-fascists who didn’t cause the riots. I’m so confused. What’s an antifa anyway? Junior says it’s an island in the Caribbean.
MUFFLED VOICE: That’s Antigua.
REPORTER: Steve Bannon was your eighth former associate indicted and/or convicted of crimes in recent years. How does that square with your promise to hire the best people?
TRUMP: Only a fool would believe that promise, just like only a fool would believe Mexico would pay for the stupid wall. So sue me.
REPORTER: Your niece recently wrote a book calling you the world’s most dangerous man. Now your sister was recorded saying you can’t be trusted. Your reaction?
TRUMP: I never said we were one big happy family. In fact, I don’t think Melania likes me that much either.
REPORTER: Former First Lady Michelle Obama and vice presidential candidate Kamala Harris have called you incompetent. Your response?
TRUMP: Honestly, I’d rather not argue with them. Strong, intelligent women scare me, especially Black women. Mike Pence is worse. I told Pence he has to debate Harris. He broke down and cried. I had to call his wife to come get him.
